As I look into another human face with love and longing, I try and understand this chemical feeling we named love. I sit trapped in my thoughts. I stare at her and strive to comprehend the nebulous cloud of emotions filling my mind.
We speak and say things that are meaningful and edifying. We speak of each others importance, and why what we have is special. And on the whole of that, above it all, we speak in the center of human existence that no words have yet as touched.
Above it all, I don't love you because you're you – I love you because you love. I don't care for you based on your gifts and merits, I care for you because you care. Those emotions/abilities that we share that make us human.
A woman is not beautiful because she loves me, she is beautiful because she can love. I think that we all probably have the ability, and we search for the opportunity to let it rise; that opportunity is everywhere and every time.
In a moment of pure unadulterated honesty I say that I can't promise the future. I don't know that everything will work; I see reasons it would and wouldn't. This isn't the romantic melody that should come out of our societies perfect love story, but that's why it's so much better than some stupid story.
You see, in real life people don't climb a tower or fight off an army or conquer death itself every time they fall for another person; and yet there is an obligation to live as so. No, in real life there are circumstances that turn love to reality or lost opportunity, and those circumstances and how they are mediated determines our outcomes.
You shouldn't loose yourself so completely in every pair of pouted lips that come to yours. Not every pair was meant for you, and that's okay. Instead, loose yourself in the fact that this pair of lips has tasted love before and knows it's kiss. Find the great connection not in the idea of two lost souls desperately needing to be united to face the trials and fears of a heartless world, but in the realization that there are two lost souls. In the same place, at the same time. Searching.
Where did they come from? Where are they going? Will there be peace for either in the end? Will either of them find that perfect mate or stay alone? I think that in not trying to own that other soul, but merely wishing to be a part of it's journey, letting down the confines of societal obligations, we are free. And with that freedom comes real love.
So instead of looking and hoping that this is the one, I look and hope that this one is free. I hope that this one is on a journey not to find a place to end, but to see where the journey leads.
I look at her as we sit on the floor listening to Explosions In The Sky, and then I follow her gaze to the ceiling, and then there is silence. Another soul, just like mine, confused and searching, hopeful and vulnerable. The idea of trapping some thing so pure is a travesty. Our instilled need to own everything around us would have us steal the freedom from innocent wings, but how much more beautiful is the experience of watching this bird fly? Of being a part of something to great for one man to hold onto. We fear being alone so strongly that we grab onto anything and we daren't let go. So desperate to have a flower to hold onto that we loose sight that we are in a field. We are each one of us comprised of petals and worth.
Let go and let God, see where fate takes you. Believe in humanity and in yourself, and the things you search for will find you out.
I'm not saying I want to be with other people, or that I don't want to be with this one. I'm saying how divinely blessed am I that with all of the chaos that makes nature I have a chance to experience this amazing creation. And the chance that this soul may not be where I end is part of what makes it so beautiful. It will love, with or without me. It will hurt, and it will soar.
That I have a chance to journey with something so beautiful for a time is life's great salve. The abatement for our troubles is found in these moments of understanding. In these breaks where I can experience companionship as more than similar goals, a need to fill longings, the desires of my flesh, I feel the truest love.
I love this woman. I am glad she lays beside me now and I hope that she will be there in the morning. I want her to trust me in her times of need, and support my in my insecurities. I want her to know my weakness and I hers. I want to love her in as many ways as I know how, and if the time comes that she should go, I want to kiss her goodbye having been bettered for what we had.
I see no reason at that point for her to be lost to me. She was not mine in the first, instead I hope she soars in a way that brings her peace, and if she is in need, I hope she knows that she needn't be alone.
What if instead of owning someone else we experienced someone else. What if instead of trying to label who belongs to who we just let go and tried to experience life together? I love her. Isn't that so much more than owning her? We are together now, isn't that so much more precious than, “we will never part?”
No comments:
Post a Comment