It's been a while since I contemplated life in a blog format. I am settled in my new apartment downtown now and the main reason (Or excuse) I have been remiss in typing would be my looking for and starting a new job.
The job has great pay and benefits, but also requires me to work 7 days a week/10 hours a day. I'm not sure how in love I am with it, but the prospect of having a company truck in 3 weeks beside my pay keeps me showing up every morning.
In all honesty I'm glad to lose all my free time. Lately I haven't been using it in the best ways. From breaking a finger punching a guy, to messing with taken girls... there's a lot of messed up in my life lately and most of it probably doesn't need explaining.
The sum of the bad is me sitting in an amazing apartment wondering what's next. And I guess all things considered that's sitting pretty compared to some people.
The thing I was most recently wondering about though was what defines success and what unspoken obligations are held to those around us.
Maybe I had a friend who I knew liked me (Maybe is usually an admission of guilt for me.) and maybe I told her we shouldn't hang out because I didn't want to end up hurting her. Weeks later she is over and we end up together for the night.
The next day I make lunch and we spend some time together. Shower, candles, music... and I tell her we should just remain friends. It actually is probably worse than it sounds.
When it comes down to it though, being alone can suck and sometimes you need someone there. And I did warn her in the past that it would happen... So we are obligated to make the right decisions for others when they don't make them for themselves, and when we make bad decisions... How would you say we should handle guilt?
Well the thing is I've hurt a few ladies since I have been in Denver and have decided that with this busy job I'm not going to have time for anyone I'm attracted to. Hopefully after getting debts paid off I will be able to offer a better man to the world. Or at worst be able to afford a therapist. *Grins*
I feel as though I am getting closer to realizing "The Dream" but as I get closer, with performing shows and "hooking up," having more money and access to the world... I'm not sure what the point is. I'm not saying that I have fleshed out what it is to be successful, I'm instead saying that the things that make "Success" don't make me feel any less alone, and I've also been realizing that feeling alone has nothing to do with who is around you.
Did they teach a class on inter-peace in public school that I missed out on? As always I would love any feedback on these thoughts, and even suggestions.
Will,
ReplyDeleteIt seems that post-americorps isn't as easy as it would seem. I believe you're on your journey and although you may have had some hiccups these past few months, things are always changing and getting better. I don't know how you will find it, but success seems to me to come hand-in hand with relationships. Sorry to be a cheese-ball, but like the book Tuesdays With Morrie shows, it's not about possessions or a job at the end of your life that you will remember, but about the friends that you made and the lives that you've positively affected.
And as always, it seems like we may never reach that point- of feeling like we're successful or reaching our goals, but each step is an important one and so we should enjoy the journey right?
:)
Carm